


Repression

by iceprinceofbelair



Series: subtleties [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Healing, Recovery, past emotional abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 11:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11485563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iceprinceofbelair/pseuds/iceprinceofbelair
Summary: Viktor struggles to navigate being an adult survivor of subtle childhood emotional abuse.





	Repression

Viktor still struggles with it sometimes; coming to terms with it, that is. He’s spent a lifetime repressing it, ignoring it, falling to the same patterns over and over and over again that he doesn’t really know how to face it. Telling Yuuri might be a first step but the words die on his tongue every time he thinks he can say it and he realises it’s because he still doesn’t believe it. 

After all, abuse happens to other people. It’s obvious and it’s extreme and survivors need years of therapy to live normal lives. Viktor is a five time world champion. It’s difficult to conceptualise.

But he’s seen many therapists over the years and only one of them ever told him it wasn’t emotional abuse. That’s the one that sticks with Viktor, though. The one who told him that perhaps he was actively searching for someone to blame for his problems, the one who said that his depression was likely caused by his own neglect of relationships outside of skating - what if that one was right about everything? 

Never mind the others who told him that, yes, his parents were emotionally abusive even if they didn’t mean to be. 

And Viktor doesn’t think they meant it at all. His mother had her own anxiety; it wasn’t her fault that his panic attacks set off hers. It wasn’t  _ really  _ her fault that she’d yell at him and call him selfish for causing her to feel this way. Viktor understands anxiety, especially after meeting Yuuri, and he knows it can make you say things you don’t mean. But it still made him cry when she said it. It still makes him feel like he’s not allowed to be scared.

And his father was merely a stubborn man by nature. He didn’t mean to make Viktor question his memory or feel like his divergent opinions and thoughts were due to a lack of understanding. He didn’t  _ mean  _ to make Viktor flinch away from the phrase “agree to disagree”. Viktor understands the appeal of a good debate more than anyone. But he doesn’t like arguing with his father when he’s the only one with a personal stake in issues like pride parades and gay rights. He doesn’t like that his emotions automatically make him wrong. So he tries never to disagree with anyone even though it gives him a stomach ache to pretend he thinks poor people deserve to die in order to avoid arguments with rich men in bars.

Viktor doesn’t hate his parents. Quite the opposite, really. He loves them. And the longer he spends away from them, the less he remembers the bad stuff. 

“Why did I ever want to move out, Yakov?” Viktor says cheerily one Tuesday while he traces slow figure eights, long hair free around his shoulders. “It’s so boring and lonely.”

Yakov frowns. “You used to beg me not to send you home, Vitya,” he grunts, no longer baffled that Viktor doesn’t seem to remember this. 

Viktor laughs. “I think I’ll go visit my parents for a weekend, Yakov. In a few weeks. It’s been months since they saw me.”

“Vitya,” Yakov’s voice takes on a warning tone and Viktor stops skating to look at him. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Viktor is quiet for a moment and then he laughs again. “Don’t be silly, Yakov. I’m not a child anymore.”

He means that it won’t be like last time where he came back to the rink in a permanent bad mood and wouldn’t go home until physically dragged there. Nonetheless, Yakov would find him back at practice at 6 o’clock the next morning no matter how late he left.

It won’t be like that this time.

But it is because Viktor always forgets how his parents barge into his space and constantly ask who he’s texting and what he’s doing and don’t take “it’s private” for an answer. Yakov finds him at the rink at 6 o’clock the day he gets back wearing noise-cancelling headphones. Makkachin, his service dog, barks at the top of her lungs because Viktor has been there all night and he’s dissociating to protect himself from all the bad memories the visit brings back.

The cycle continues like that for years until Yuuri starts to see a pattern. Viktor never talks about it but he picks up on Yakov’s passive aggressive hints and starts suggesting that perhaps they go to the beach instead of visiting Viktor’s parents. Or, hey don’t we have to be around to pick up that parcel this weekend?

Yuuri gets very good at distracting Viktor when he suggests it.

He also gets very good at piecing together Viktor’s relationship with his parents through passing remarks. He knows that Viktor can’t stand when they fight - because his parents would often end arguments with passive aggressive remarks and let the tension sit in the air until Viktor couldn’t breathe. He knows that Viktor gets antsy if Yuuri doesn’t knock before entering his sensory room - because his parents thought they were entitled to his space.

Viktor doesn’t know exactly what makes Yuuri feel so safe but he appreciates it. 

Yuuri always lets Viktor be upset or afraid or angry. Yuuri has never once told him that he’s overreacting and Viktor has a realisation that hurts in his chest. Yuuri has anxiety - his he’s never used it the way his mother has, to put him down and dismiss his feelings. 

It isn’t an anxiety thing after all.


End file.
